4.29.2008

I just watched three cigarette-smoking teenagers fish money out of a fountain.  What kind of person steals someone else's wishes?

:: on disappointment ::

3.21.08

I am feeling largely apathetic, which is a pathetic way to approach a day.  I am in the process of being broken, bit by bit, because I'm of little use in this over-confident state.  I handle disappointments by deciding I never really wanted that in the first place.  But I know.  I know.

Mostly I want to be loved.  I am afraid of failing.  I want to go to a safer place, a place where achievement doesn't matter, where what I know doesn't make a hill's bean of difference. (that's right: hill's bean)  Mostly I want to grow down, back into childhood, back into when I didn't understand how things worked.  Now I feel like I'm in a corridor of doors, finding most of them locked -- no.  Finding that they are opening and closing constantly, allowing only some in while denying the rest, and always based on the things I try to tell myself I don't care about.  I don't really get life.  I don't.  

3.23.08
I guess the good news is, I won't be lulled to sleep by any of my life events!  But like an air raid is a sure fire bet that it won't be a boring night at home, this is no consolation.  

A part wants to just go home.  The other pushes on.

:: the good thing about wearing my heart on my sleeve ::

At least you know I have one!  (and I do, have both heart and sleeve)

4.17.2008

:: bali morning ::

Woke up this morning and went walking on the beach.  I love it here.  I want to go buy beautiful Balinese things -- and eat.  I want to understand all of my relationships thoroughly.  I want to see my life rolled out like a scroll, and have some white-out on hand.  God, I want to choose you first.

4.12.2008

:: indonesia ::

Ah, Indonesia, how I love your smells and abundant green grassy areas and staring people.  I am a princess here.  I forget that until I am the only white one, about one airport away from Jakarta.  Then I am crowned again and begin casting benevolent smiles all over the place, tipping my royal head to the shy brown babies who just want to touch me.

They love me.  They really love me.

4.11.2008

:: on the road again ::

I must look honest as I have been left so far today to watch people's bags, computers, and (right now) an iPhone.  

I always say this when I'm traveling and thus must say now: I love traveling!  I love meeting people and hearing what they're going to do (one lady is headed to Singapore to set up payroll for a brand new casino; a guy who manages a Bubba Gump's on the east coast is going to Malaysia to open one there).  I love hearing languages I don't understand spoken in little waiting room bunches, mostly families, often arguing.  

The iPhone guy just came back.  He tells me I'm a novelty here because I'm in a room full of brown people (I'm in Taipei).  I hadn't noticed the staring, but in this moment they might be noticing more than my fair skin.  They might, for example, be wondering why I smell like everything the Duty Free store sells (**note to those who have traveled with me before: I just made my usual stop there for face and fragrance renewal**).  

And I would muse some more but the waiting room seats just cleared and a line appeared in front of me.  Apparently, it's time to board.  

4.05.2008

:: something big ::

I'm at a women's retreat and she's talking about plans.  She just said the magic words: God has big plans for your life.  Word. For. Word.  And we're getting the formula right now -- quick!  Write it down!  (Why do I sound so jaded?  The answer belongs outside of these parentheses.)

I just don't think we should be the subject of that sentence.  God has great big plans.  True.  Period.  And like any cause, once you're in, it doesn't matter if you're the secretary or the right-hand-man, there is an excitement in the air.  We're part of something big!

Indeed we are.  If only we talked more about God and less about ourselves.

4.02.2008

:: kaela ::

4.01.2008

:: balboa park ::

The girls in my small group had spring break last month, so three of us spent a day in the park.  The following is the proof.