6.28.2010

:: just ::

I need to be up in about five hours, and need more than the usual amount of thinking and brilliance once I'm awake. This is probably why I can't sleep - no matter how I fold the pillow or how methodically I breathe. I am being held captive in Today, begging for passage into Tomorrow, and hoping this midnight writing will at least bump me up to business class if I ever make it on board.

For some reason I've been thinking a lot about 2006 as I lay here folding and unfolding my pillow. That was a particularly bumpy year for me, with highs and lows like an EKG beating in my days. I was visiting 2006 in my journal yesterday and came across an interesting bit of self-analysis. I wrote that my fatal flaw was that I didn't want to be alone, going into unnecessary detail about how that little fear would keep me from ever being un-alone. I was convinced it was the prison of my own making, a self-fulfilling prophecy. I thought of it like taking a candid photograph, which is impossible the moment someone knows there's a camera in their midst. Smiling at the camera is nice but isn't candid. Wanting companionship is great journal-material but also happens to be stronger than 100% DEET as far as companion-repellents go.

At least, that's how it seemed in 2006.

If I've learned anything about love & relationships since then (and I hope I have), it's that there isn't a fail-proof method for either attracting or deterring them. I don't mean you can't ever end a relationship or that you can't keep from getting into one. I've found ways to do both, albeit clumsily. What I'm talking about is that fatal flaw business, which is not about doing but being. I thought I needed to be something or someone different. Clearly, that was the problem all along, right? I wasn't her. I guess I'm glad to feel, in 2010, that I am her. And looking myself over carefully, I see that I've been her all along. That there wasn't something terribly wrong in 2006 that I expertly mended between then and now. I'm just me.

And I'm really happy to be.

2 Comments:

Blogger Sally said...

I think it is a cultural misconception to believe that we as individuals are inherently flawed. I believe there is someone out there for *everyone*. You walk around and you see people together and you think, "Really? Even that person found someone who accepts them as they are." Far too often, we believe what the media tells us: that we are too skinny, or too fat, or too needy, too introverted, too educated, or too uneducated to ever be in a satisfying relationship. But sometimes (and I like to think most of the time), it is that package of uniqueness that makes someone fall completely, head-over-heels in love with you. Because each of us is a missing puzzle piece that someone is only too happy to find.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Raju Ahmed said...

Bangladesh is the very Beautiful country. Bangladesh depended on Agriculture and industries. Bangladesh have many beautiful Places for that every years many tourist comes here for Tour . The Cox-Bazer is most Beautiful Place in the world. The Cox-bazer beach is world largest Sea beach in the world. And the Sundarban is world largest Mangrove forest in the world. For that we are calling our country as Beautiful Bangladesh . Bangladesh have many Rivers and Animals. The big River name is Padma and the most popular Animal. is Royal Bengal Tiger. Bangladeshs most popular game is Cricket . Bangladesh peoples very much like this game. Do you know where is Bangladesh ?
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4:51 AM  

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