:: on disappointment ::

3.21.08

I am feeling largely apathetic, which is a pathetic way to approach a day.  I am in the process of being broken, bit by bit, because I'm of little use in this over-confident state.  I handle disappointments by deciding I never really wanted that in the first place.  But I know.  I know.

Mostly I want to be loved.  I am afraid of failing.  I want to go to a safer place, a place where achievement doesn't matter, where what I know doesn't make a hill's bean of difference. (that's right: hill's bean)  Mostly I want to grow down, back into childhood, back into when I didn't understand how things worked.  Now I feel like I'm in a corridor of doors, finding most of them locked -- no.  Finding that they are opening and closing constantly, allowing only some in while denying the rest, and always based on the things I try to tell myself I don't care about.  I don't really get life.  I don't.  

3.23.08

I guess the good news is, I won't be lulled to sleep by any of my life events!  But like an air raid is a sure fire bet that it won't be a boring night at home, this is no consolation.  

A part wants to just go home.  The other pushes on.