:: friendship ::

i really believe that friends are born, not made. i spent 18 years with several people who have now moved on to marriage and babies and i don't even know the name of their now three-year-old. and there are others i have only known for months who are the keepers of my secrets and the keys that unlock places in me that even i didn't know about.

i don't think i've always known this.

in fact, i'm pretty sure that i thought i could go anywhere and just form friendships that are deep. like build-a-soulmate. but i don't think that anymore. maybe this is a death-statement, but right now i believe there are some in my life who can never be subsituted for a close match across the country or the world. why would i want to replace you? since we can only be in one place at one time, i choose the place where you are, the place where we all understand together that friendship isn't easy or easily found.

:: love ::

she must have lost my number
when she washed her jeans --
the napkin i had scribbled my name on
wouldn't make it through one
rinse cycle.
and now it seems i'm stuck in spin --
or is it dry? --
i don't know why i'm writing this.

and she must have just forgotten
to invite me to the gala
that i saw when i drove by the other night.
lights were blazing, music playing,
people swaying all in twos and black suits
spinning white-dressed satisfaction to the tune
of claire de lune.
and i just turned my music louder, to a shout,
i'm shouting -- i don't need you.
but i do, i do, i do.

she shouldn't use words like that,
words like death do us part
and sickness and health.
i have both sickness and health but no
life to be parted with.
she must have forgotten that part.

i know i have not.

:: humanity ::

the magazine has been sitting on top of our staff refrigerator for about two weeks now. i hadn't opened it because it looked boring -- another magazine wanting us to update our alumni database or use their strategy to raise money.

but in the middle of it was this article called "blood:water mission." it's about a college student who is now working with jars of clay to reach those who have dirty blood and water (mostly africans).

i'm keeping the article now. it is at the top of the pile of the hundreds of little everythings that have made me know that i am not meant to be here for long. no, i don't mean on the earth. i mean in this clean country with its neat streets and low crime rates and even lower infant mortality rates.

i want to be useful. i want to be used. i want to know when i'm done with this life that i've helped others live.