:: peace, be still ::

"Thirty spokes join together in the hub.
It is because of what is not there that the cart is useful.
Clay is formed into a vessel.
it is because of its emptiness that the vessel is useful."
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I was considering tonight the futility of searching for significance. I ache for it sometimes, for mattering. Everything in me wants to be part of the general struggle towards great victory. If I am here, it must be for a purpose.

But in the small things I find great value. Reading to my niece. Complimenting a stranger. The things I don't plan to do but walk into like Someone Else is planning them for me. Those.
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And I remember when I forget myself. I see when I stop searching. I hear when I stop filling the air with my own answers and listen instead. Growing is movement, upwards, but only as I stand still long enough to have roots and be watered and learn.

:: hope ::

This is the longest life I've lived.
Each day piles onto day, creating years,
And now I'm twenty-four years full of days.
They say this one, the one I'm living in,
Is all I can put hope in,
But there's something loose inside me
And it's screaming to me --
Free yourself: the end of hope is hell;
Hold tightly to your dreams. Fly.

:: some thoughts this friday ::

1. Sometimes a week is a very, very long time.
2. I had a bad dream last night. I want to forget it but can't. It doesn't seem fair that a piece of fiction like that should now be part of my memories. Maybe that's the same reason I don't watch much t.v.
3. Liking people is a very important part of understanding them. Loving them anyway helps too.
4. Music can change the way a day feels. I think I'll turn it off right now.

:: summer ::

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.

- Leo Rosten

I love to hear about miracles. He told us about the time they needed $75 by Thursday. On Thursday morning they were given $75. Amazing provision.

He said that right before he said they ate nothing but ramen for three months.

:: the other shoe ::

I'm waiting for them to invent a roller coaster that ends way up high. So far all I've seen are the kind that take you up, up, around, and then back down. Life seems to do the same.

It's not that I'm low, but I can't live in the atmosphere. The air is too thin there, like sucking on helium. It's great fun for a while, but it just wouldn't do to sound like Mickey Mouse all the time.

So right now I'm appreciating shadows and hushed voices, because they make light and laughter what they are: bright. I wouldn't even notice the stars if they weren't pushing their way through pitch darkness.

:: the limitations of language ::

I always get quiet when I look at the stars. It's like taking your hat off for the pledge. The three of us were in the driveway saying goodbye to the last ones to leave, and then we stood as if we'd just heard the opening notes of The Star Spangled Banner. There was a good view in Jamul last night.

Some things are too good for words, so this will have to do:

:: bigger ::

I'm so glad to be part of a community. Today I walked into Starbucks a little low and left feeling passionate about all the things a person should be passionate about. All that happened in between was a conversation with Mingo.

We used to see eachother every day, and I even had to get a text messaging plan because of him. Now he's just a few months from marriage but years into learning to trust God with the plan. Writing the details of our conversation would take too long for this window of time I have right now, but I just wanted to say for the record that I'm glad we aren't running this race alone.

:: let me be ::

I don't smile so you'll think I'm happy; I smile because I am happy. I don't sing so you'll hear me; I'm pouring out my heart. I don't dance so you'll look at me; I'm just free.

July was mostly in pictures; perhaps August will be in writing.

But for now I am in New York, body and soul. You can see and read a bit about it here.