5.27.2006

:: a little bit lonely ::

I actually don't think there's such a thing as "a little lonely." It's like pregnancy: you either are or you aren't. And right now, I am. (Lonely, that is.) A few nights ago, I was entirely alone but not lonely at all. I was marvelling at that, how perspective or emotions or the wind can make a situation feel different on a different day.

Today I am about to join 30 or 40 people at a party, where I will double as guest and photographer (which really means I'll be photographer, because it's hard to be both and be any good at either). For some reason the thought of that crowd makes me want to find a corner and a good book and be done with it all. These are not the thoughts of an extrovert. These are not even ones I want to claim as mine. What is this lonely, and why am I feeling it?

I think lonely is like getting lost. When I was three years old, I got lost in the grocery store. Dad told me to stay with them; I didn't. Suddenly what was a harmless set of aisles and food became this terrifying place for me. The only assurance of safety I had was lost in cans of vegetables and cereal boxes and I started to cry. A cashier let me hide by her feet while she announced my lostness over the intercom. "Would the parents of a little girl..." And that's how I feel right now. He told me to stay right next to him. I always have better ideas, or just so many things to look at that I stop looking his direction. And suddenly I realize that everything is overwhelming me and I am lost in all of those things that I thought I wanted.

Well, I don't want them anymore. I just want Him. And not so I don't have to be lonely, but because the things we give up are like any currency. When given in purchase of a worthy thing, the dollars and rupiahs and tears and loneliness become part of something more important.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mandy,
Just so you know, ['ve become a daily checker of this site and any day in which you do not favor us with a glimpse into that brilliant mind of yours I am disappointed. Mama Bones in Nashville

5:48 AM  
Blogger JamesP said...

Usually they say 'lonely doesn't mean alone' to mean that, even when people are around, you can still be lonely.

I'm using it to remind you that, even when you are lonely, you are not alone.

12:15 PM  
Blogger :: mandy :: said...

One should have very little to complain about with encouragement like this. I'm smiling.

3:20 PM  

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