:: March 15 ::

The ides of March. Yesterday was pi day, 3.14, which was also David's 30th birthday. And the day before that was the day he asked me to marry him. It's been a big weekend.

And you would think I would write. Normally I write out of overflow. Either that or out of absence. This weekend has been both of those extremes. I suppose maybe they've balanced each other out. It hasn't felt like balance, though. It's felt like crying, slow-dancing, shaking, hoping, praying, praying, praying.

Friday. It was Friday the 13th, actually, a really dark day. I was at Uncle Max & Aunt Carolyn's in Detroit. David was in Lansing, studying. He took his exam, and by the time he had come to pick me up there was an email sitting quietly in his inbox, waiting to punch us in the stomach.

He didn't pass. Three little words. Three terrifying little words. What does this mean? We knew before he took it that failing could mean the end of medical school. But he wasn't going to fail -- he was going to study and do really well. I was almost comfortable. I was trying to believe I wasn't nervous.

But he didn't pass. So we walked around all day, doing menial things together, holding hands. We bought a cushion for his papasan. And a lampshade. We went to see Confessions of a Shopaholic. After the sun set, he told me there was a little surprise for me at his house. I was afraid he might be planning to propose. That, honestly, was the very worst part. I hated that I was scared about that. It's just that I was scared in general. A lifetime commitment is frightening all on its own, partly for the shadowy, nameless hardships waiting to be shared. But when those hardships have a name, when that name is Today, then it makes the idea of life sound like a bitter pill.

So I spent the whole time mulling it over. Am I ready to sign my name to his insecurities and imperfections and -- yes -- failures? Do I want to be here tomorrow? In a hundred tomorrows? Am I strong enough for this?

Anyway, at the end of the movie, I started crying, but it actually felt like sunshine breaking through the clouds. I had been praying all day, remember walking into a bathroom that day thinking -- what really matters in a relationship? What does Jesus' heart value? God, can you please make me like You?

So in tears but with great sincerity I told my broken boyfriend: you're going to lose alot more and win alot more in life, but I know I want to be there for it all. I do.

(And it's true.)

So I suppose I said yes before he could get on his knee and ask the question.


Blogger Jennifer Brown said...

This made me cry - I love how you said that about him losing and winning alot more in life, but wanting to be there for it all. Beautiful.

5:52 PM  

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