:: what now? ::

Most people don't even know I have a brother. I do. His name is Jamie, and he lives in New York state. We were usually the first ones awake on Christmas morning and have a long tradition of opening our stockings together. I love him.

And tonight, he was a most unlikely source of wisdom. He spends most of his free time playing online role playing games; the rest of it is devoted to eeking out a living doing something he hates in order to support a lifestyle he doesn't believe in. He said tonight that he wastes most of his time on a computer because he knows that it matters about as much as the other things people do all day: shop, update their myspace profile, watch t.v. I guess I understand that, it just feels less guilty to do those other things.

Maybe.

Anyways, that wasn't really what we talked about. Mostly I listened while he said things like: Mandy, don't waste years of your life doing things that don't matter. Ultimately, all that matters is sharing the gospel with people who don't know; the rest is either the means or the distraction.

I heard this message twice a year, once a semester for four years in college. Watched it being lived most of the days of my early life. Hear it in my unwillingness to commit to being a fulltime: photographer, designer, writer. If it isn't eternal, I don't want it. Did you hear me? I don't want you, temporary, sucking-in, dollar-signed highway to retirement. I don't want you.